This is actually hard to believe but funny and true!
Not all memories of Vietnam are bad or painful; some are just plain hilarious and somewhat unbelievable, even to me. One such memory is what I call the “
Wily Coyote Flashback”, named appropriately after that famous cartoon character with the
Road Runner.
After the battle for North Sierra, which I am still working on, we settled into a fairly consistent routine of day patrols and sometimes night ambushes. Other than that, it was lazing around on the hilltop. Due to this routine, we slacked off a bit, letting our appearances run down. The Gunny started getting on us about it by giving us hell. To break up the monotony, there was always someone who was up to offering or taking a challenge.
That is when I came up with a brilliant idea, or so I thought at the time. You see, even in the bush, certain separations are established between us lowly grunts and our commanders, especially the Gunny (Gunny Sergeant), who holds a special place in our hearts as we both love and despise him at the same time. Gunnyies are tough and they get respect from everyone including the Lieutenants.
In fact, the Gunny even had his own private “shit hole” in the ground over which laid branches to act as a seat. We had similar holes.
“I bet I can sneak up at night, get past the guard and take a crap in the “Gunny’s shitter!” I boastfully said to my fellow grunts.
“No way, Mele!”, they all responded.
“I’ll do it tonight unless we get hit”, I said. So that night after some trepidation I kept a low profile and slowly crept towards the sanctified hole of the Gunny. Slowly, ever so slowly, with my heart pounding out of my chest, I crawled until I finally got to it. It was located on the down wind side of the hill from the Gunny.
“No guard, lucky”, I thought. I slowly bent down and pulled my pants down for the most wonderful moment. Just as my butt landed on the branches, I heard a crack and the center branch broke. I tried my best and gave it my all to get up but instead another broke and I fell, butt first up to my knees in the Gunny’s crap! Then it hit me! Did someone beat me here and cut the branches? And why no guard anywhere? Hmm? I smelled a rat but actually I went back smelling much worse than that! Let’s just say I tried to clean up but no one got within 50 feet of me for a few days.
To save face in front of a bunch of Marine grunts, who could barely stand as they laughed, I upped the anti and proudly proclaimed that for 2 bucks, I could sneak up on the Gunny and get his prized sardines, which he kept in his pack. The crowd silenced. “How the hell you gonna do that, Mele”, they asked. Hell! I had no idea but the challenge was born.
That night as I pondered it and came up with a brilliant plan. No one has the balls or is stupid enough to get out of the hole when they mortar us so that was why it was a brilliant plan. Next time the mortars fall, I get out, run across the hill fast, get to the Gunny pack, grab it, take out the sardines and get back. Even if they see me, they will not get out of the holes in the middle of a mortar attack. No way! You’d have to be nuts to do that! Really! It’s one of those, “you have to be there”, ideas. War can really make you nuts.
A few days later, as luck would have it, and this is only in my now twisted and delusional mind, we got attacked really hard. With mortars landing everywhere, everyone scrambled for their holes including me. Then I sucked in some wind, tried to calm my shaking body and tell it “Go”. I stepped out of the hole! My fellow grunts thought I had literally lost my mind. I ran zigzagging right across the hill towards the top and then it hit me, the sounds and blast waves were getting closer and closer to me. Like Wile E. Coyote, I ran as fast as I could but each round was getting closer, just falling behind far enough not to hit me but creeping up ever so closer.
Wham! A blast wave hits me from behind! It hits me that these guys have me zeroed in as I lead them straight to the CP! I accelerate trying to literally fly through the air and then the next round hits just a few feet behind and I know the next will be my last. Just ahead, directly in front about 10 yards I spot a large foxhole and push and jump for it. I go it feet first and squat so my head will be low. As I hit the bottom of the hole, a huge blast takes place just above me! Whew, that was close and all over a can of sardines! I try to calm down and catch my breath.
Then I hear everyone yelling and screaming, “MELE! Get out of that f’n hole! Get out! It’s mined. Mele! Get out of the f’n hole! It’s MINED!”
“What the hell are they talking about?” I think, and then I looked down. Somehow, with nothing short of a miracle, my feet missed a ground mine that was about 14”-16” in diameter. Each of my feet barely straddles it and my manly parts are directly above it. It should have gone off and that leaves an awful choice. Any movement will or should set it off! Any movement! I ponder it for a second but with my manly parts fully exposed; I make the sign of the cross, take a big breath and a giant leap out. To this day, no one knows why it did not explode.
Later, after the attack the hole was roped off for about a 20' or 30' circle of
No Man’s Land as we waited for a detonation crew to arrive. My plan, if they asked, was simple, C4 it or throw a grenade in! No way, so we waited. A day or two later three marines were walking past the roped area when it just exploded. It left a hole about 20 plus feet in diameter and killed the three of them! That is how powerful that little baby was.
If I had been a sensible guy I would have let it go at that but I thought to myself, “They had no idea why I was running across the hill so I can use that same strategy and modify it a bit”. It was probably time for them to lock me up or something. Of course, everyone thought I was nuts and it was time to up the “ante”!
“I can get a case of “C” rats!”, I said to the guys.
“What about the sardines?”
“Forget about the sardines. They are small. I can get a whole damn case of f’n “C” rats; a whole case!” Now, I must say that I am reaching a bit here at this point but I go on. “I’d have to carry it all the way over here”.
“Impossible, Mele! You’re nuts!” was what they came back with.
We really did need the “C” rats as our food supplies were minimal at best, but the CP (Command Post) is where the Lieutenant and Gunny stayed and they had lots of food. However, it was guarded by at least one and sometimes two guards. They knew we were hungry and were not taking any chances. Yes, I know but in war as in life, some things are just, well….hard to believe. One time before this, we used our own gas grenades to launch an attack on the CP and with our gas masks, we took what we liked. Later, they took away our masks! War, as they say, is hell!
It is hard to believe, but I was waiting for an attack so I could put my plan into effect. I knew the guys were counting on me and it was, after all, fool proof, as least in my mind. But then again, it could prove to be deadly. Almost on schedule, we got hit again with mortars. Charlie just loves popping those tubes and we love air strikes. They both work effectively. As the mortars strike our hill, I spring into action. I jump out of my hole and get that familiar, “You have completely lost it” response from my fellow grunts. I think, however, they are secretly hoping for success this time. Instead of going directly over the top, I skirt the side of the hill still trying to zigzag to avoid being hit, if that is possible since the mortars strike randomly and are not aimed at me. The plan is working!
I’m almost there and then I think to myself, “So what are you going to do? Just pick up a case and say, thanks?” I realize there is no time to go back so I tell myself to act normal as I accelerate and round the hill. I eye the CP and note to myself that no one is out of their holes. Great! I make it right up to the cases of “C” rats and grab one case. As I do, a guard looks up and eyes me. I turn my head and squint my eyes trying to look like a gook or at the very least, not me! For one brief moment, our eyes lock and then a bunch of mortars strike close enough that the blast waves nearly knock me over. My eyes say to him, “Got the balls? Go for it! Come and get me!” He stays in his hole.
I grab the case and run as fast as I can back to where my hole was and start throwing the individual meals to anyone in my path. “Eat it fast”, I yell as I throw more. Then I make it to my hole, gobble down a fast meal and sit there like nothing had happened.
The Gunny sent his “attack dogs” and they came snarling at me, demanding to know where the case is as they accuse me of taking it.
“No way!” I said.
“Well, where is the case? Do you think it just vanished by itself?”
I added, “I was here the whole time”. With no proof, they left but I always thought they knew and just went through the act. Hell, maybe even the Gunny knew. The guard saw my eyes well enough and I do not look like a gook.
After that, I kept my mouth shut about any more brilliant ideas or challenges. But I did gain back the respect of my guys after that fall in the Gunny’s shitter!